He told me to get married, that he will not advise me to wait
Aunty Adeola, what will I do? I am a young lady of 28. A friend of 7years suddenly quits the relationship just like that after much commitment from both sides and at the point where things were getting into place. He told me to get married that he’s going abroad for his masters after his service (which he is doing now) that he will not advise me to wait.
Whether it was your fault or not, a relationship breakup doesn’t have to break up your life. I know it is a painful experience, especially when you invest so much emotion, time and effort into the relationship. Sometimes it is hard to recover from the hurt, the disappointment and the thought of living your life without that partner. You can cry about it if it makes you feel better, and skip a few meals if you can’t help it, but don’t allow yourself to be stuck in that condition of self-pity and depression. Stop blaming yourself or your ex-partner. Don’t waste time over silly egoistic regrets. Shake off your disappointments, put that chapter of your life behind you and consider it a lesson well-learned. It now belongs to your past; and as you know you can’t change your past. Pick yourself up, move on with hope, and try again. It is only when you try again that you can find a truly happy and stable relationship.
How do you recover from all this pain and heartbreak?
1. Try to see the breakup in a positive light:
This may seem like a crazy idea especially in the first few days of the breakup when the pain is so fresh and you feel so depressed. It is difficult to see anything positive about living the rest of your life without someone you could have sworn was your soul-mate. When you think of all the fun you had together, and how all youar friends and family who knew about your relationship will judge the breakup, it probably makes more sense to you to just concentrate on the pain instead of trying to see anything positive about the breakup. But think of it this way, you wouldn’t have broken up if you were soul-mates. I also expect that “true” family members and friends will rather be supportive of you than try to judge or tease you about your breakup. So, it is ok to breakup sometimes. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Perhaps you are being prepared for someone better suited to your needs. Take consolation in the saying that sometimes “Rejection is God’s protection.” You never know what negative outcomes could have been in your future if it hadn’t ended this way.
No matter how good your ex was, he wasn’t perfect. It is sometimes helpful to think of all the bad things he did that once made you mad. Ask yourself if he really valued your love. A better partner is on the way. Your star will shine brighter if you wait patiently for it.
Have a positive mind. Consider yourself better off without your ex. You can now do all the things you wanted to do for yourself, that your ex didn’t allow you to do; either because she was being controlling, wanted you to postpone it, or just didn’t like it. You can now easily buy that expensive home theatre system your ex didn’t want you to buy without any interference. You can now hang out with your friends for longer hours, stay late at the club or billiards, talk on the phone with anyone you want for any length of time, etc. without anyone cursing at you or fighting with you. Enjoy your newly found freedom and take control of your life.
2. Stay close to people you love and people who love and care about you: These could be your relatives or very good friends who have a genuine interest in your well-being. They can help you fill the void of companionship that your ex may have left in your life. Their company will help to keep your mind off your ex and thus reduce the pain of the breakup.
Avoid being alone for prolonged periods of time. This solitude can keep you fretting over your ex and failed relationship and translate into a feeling of loneliness, failure, and disappointment. Being around people you like can keep you energized and inspired.
3. Stay in shape, stay active and participate in fun activities you love:
Just because you broke up with your partner doesn’t mean you should now dress down, overeat to mask the pain, and stop going to the gym. No! It is now time to look your best. Don’t allow people to think you are now a miserable wretch because you lost your partner; as if your whole life depended on her. Engage in activities you love and enjoy. Go to the gym and get a good dose of exercise every day. Find creative ways of entertaining yourself. These keep your mind occupied and less likely to grieve over your breakup. Because grieving over your breakup will only keep you stressed and depressed. Worst still, as you continually waste time crying and mourning over “spilt milk”, your blood pressure rises making you susceptible to hypertension and other heart diseases. So why lose your life over a lost partner? Forget about her and move on into something more productive.
Exercise also keeps your mind active, and helps you to stay in shape; so you can be noticed by other eligible partners. Eat healthy meals and dress elegantly to boost your image and confidence.
4. Pursue your life goals and dreams like never before:
This is the time to challenge yourself that you can achieve anything or any goal without your ex’s support. Empower yourself with this belief and pursue your dreams and work hard like you are trying to prove to your ex and all your skeptics that you can do it on your own. You can now enroll in that academic program this year. Let them see you succeed and wish they had you. Let this mindset challenge you to be your best. And when you are preoccupied with being your best, you wouldn’t even have time to think about the breakup.
5. Free your mind and hold nothing against your ex:
Free your mind and harbor no ill feelings against your ex as that will only keep anger lingering in your heart, and thus poison everything you think and do. Holding resentments against your ex and the breakup could also affect your ability to stay open to new relationships and enjoy life to its fullest.
Approach the breakup with a positive attitude. Even if you think you were treated unfairly, try to forgive and move on. Choose ease (or peace of mind) over anxiety. Relax and have a clear mind so that you will know the right action to take. If you like, you can remain a friend to your ex. But, if you can’t, then you should just avoid her entirely without harboring any ill feelings.
6. Move on and stay open to new relationships:
Finally, move on and stay open to new relationships. There is a saying that “just because you have been choked by food before doesn’t mean you shouldn’t eat again.” It should only serve as a lesson as to what to eat, and how not to eat next time. This can also be applied to relationships and breakups. Just because you tried it once and it didn’t work doesn’t mean it will never work. Don’t let the fear of another breakup stop you from starting a new relationship. Just as all fingers are not the same, all women are not the same. So purge your mind of the “they-are-all-the-same” mentality and move on with hope. Stay open to new relationships and make a fresh start after a reasonable period of recovery. Don’t jump right into another relationship unless you’re really sure about what you’re doing. Your judgment may be clouded by your depressed emotional state. During your time of loneliness after a breakup, a lot of women will come along with adequate attention and care. Most of these women will try to take advantage of your situation to rush you into another relationship. So you have to be careful. Get over your pain first. Analyze yourself and your needs. Don’t just give in to anyone who comes along; that gives the impression of being desperate. And, unfortunately, many like to take advantage of desperate people. So rationalize in choosing your next partner. Utilize the lessons you learned from your previous relationship, and do your part to make your new relationship work.
But even if it doesn’t work, you should understand that finding the right partner is like digging for gold. Sometimes in order to find the right partner, you have to encounter and overcome a lot of challenges, disappointments and obstacles; similar to the rocks, stones, clay and sand, that have to be encountered and eliminated in order to get to the gold underneath. Only those who don’t give up to these obstacles can bring home the gold. So don’t give up; go for the gold!